Giant sparklers stream out of the hands of glittering bodiced hostesses who parade through the crowd with giant bottles of champagne, pausing occasionally to erupt like human welding torches. Trained dancers in faux-ballet attire cavort and twine themselves round poles in the corners of the room. One lace-encased entertainer descends from the ceiling into the crowd of perfect humans.

With only 10 tables in the main room, each running $2000, The

A/V Club

is a pricey, yet jaw-dropping place to party. Combining their resources, large groups of immaculately dressed individuals pile into the dark smallish cavern, standing atop the chairs in a multi-tiered fashion that gives the whole place the feel of a Roman coliseum if it had been eaten by a futuristic cabaret… in an 18th century haunted mansion. Against a wall studded with light bulbs, a DJ spins inventive hip-hop-influenced music designed to encourage gyration and libation.

This instant was the very height of my evening, and most likely the moment I chose to leave. Nearing midnight the room became so packed with revelers, and the music’s insistence to “Drink! Drink! Drink!” became so primal I had to flee the increasingly claustrophobia-inducing horde of the privileged and spectacularly coiffed.

A more calming experience could be found on the patio where, amid undulating flames and dark wood furniture, celebrities reclined rather than exploded. “Ryan Phillipe is sitting right over there,” a voice informed me, “Last night it was Leonardo DiCaprio.” I declined to crane my neck around the crowd to catch a glimpse of the “Cruel Intentions” star.

Every inch of The A/V Club exudes quality. I was particularly impressed by the massive chandelier in the main room, which was flown in directly from Russia. Everything from the wood accents, to the $14 gin and tonics, to the clientele, was decidedly top-notch. If one wishes an exciting and classy club experience, look no further than A/V Club.

As a produced playwright, published poet, actor advice columnist, comedy magazine founder, multiple rap album scribe, and sooo much more, Jayk Gallagher has strung several words together. When he’s not managing and controlling the English language, you may catch him acting. Having appeared in “The Social Network,” as well as TV shows on CBS, TNT, ABC Family, Comedy Central and E!, along with over 35 national commercials, he gets around. He does other stuff too. See jaykgallagher.com.